


"Have You Tried Turning It Off And On Again?" - A series of conversations between the Head of the Magnus Institute and his Assistant on a number of highly advanced and complex technical matters

by shinyopals



Series: The Magnus Institute vs the 21st Century: a series of emails and IMs [3]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: (by the actual Alasdair Stuart and Marguerite Kenner), Based on a True Story, Crack Treated Semi-Seriously, Elias is watching this all go down from jail and enjoying every moment, Gen, Has Been Podficced, Martin is basically running the place, Minor Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, No spoilers for s5, Peter Lukas knows what an email is but only just, Peter Lukas listens to the Shipping Forecast you can't change my mind, Workplace humour, office politics, set during s4, technically, the real horror is the personal finance advice from baby boomers, workplace politics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:08:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26584894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinyopals/pseuds/shinyopals
Summary: "Martin, what's a 'Zoom'?""On- on a... camera?""No, on a computer.""Wh-? Oh.Oh.It's this, um, video calling thing."Martin has a lot of jobs to do, as Peter's assistant. Some of them are more difficult than others.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood & Peter Lukas
Series: The Magnus Institute vs the 21st Century: a series of emails and IMs [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1807057
Comments: 135
Kudos: 596





	"Have You Tried Turning It Off And On Again?" - A series of conversations between the Head of the Magnus Institute and his Assistant on a number of highly advanced and complex technical matters

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to [SilverColour](https://archiveofourown.org/users/silvercolour) to giving this a quick read through for me! :D
> 
> 1\. This fic uses a **custom work skin** to mimic the [Unofficial Transcripts](https://snarp.github.io/magnus_archives_transcripts/). I've darkened the fonts slightly as it was proving difficult to read when I used the exact colours due to AO3's style limitations - however if you're still having difficulties please let me know.
> 
> 1.5. If anyone would like to write their own fic in using this custom skin, I've made it available for download, with how-to-use instructions, [here](https://bitbucket.org/shinyopals/tma-unofficial-transcripts/src/master/). Have fun! :D
> 
> 2\. This might look like script fic, but it's... really not. I challenge anyone to make the sound effects required.
> 
> 3\. This accompanies the original [Have you tried turning it off and on again?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24951874) \- and will probably make more sense if you've read that too, but I don't think you need to.
> 
> **This fic has been read in its entirety by the absolutely wonderful Alasdair Stuart (Peter Lukas), with the equally wonderful Marguerite Kenner!!! If you want to listen - which, yes, includes Alasdair as Martin - then go[here](https://youtu.be/S7agxrEPizE?t=4869) to see the stream on youtube. (Alasdair streams weekly on [twitch](https://www.twitch.tv/eapodcasts), often reading some TMA fanwork at the end, so if you liked that reading y'all should tune in because it's super fun! :D)**

  
  


* * *

  


##### [INT. MAGNUS INSTITUTE. A WINDOWLESS OFFICE, KEPT SLIGHTLY TOO COLD.]

##### [SOUNDS OF A HARASSED MARTIN BLACKWOOD READING A NEW HR POLICY DOCUMENT THAT REQUIRES APPROVAL BY THE HEAD OF THE MAGNUS INSTITUTE. HE IS MUTTERING UNDER HIS BREATH THAT _THIS IS NOT IN HIS JOB DESCRIPTION, DAMNIT_.]

##### [STATIC RISES ABRUPTLY. MARTIN JUMPS AND YELPS.]

#### PETER

Martin, what's a 'Zoom'?

#### MARTIN

 _(What the f-?)_ On- on a... camera?

#### PETER

No, on a computer.

#### MARTIN

Wh-? Oh. _Oh._ It's this, um, video calling thing.

#### PETER

 _(Visceral disgust)_ A phone call, but with... a video?

#### MARTIN

Yep. Did you, uh, need me to help set one up for you?

##### [SILENCE WHILE PETER CONSIDERS WHETHER HIS BET WITH ELIAS IS WORTH IT, WHETHER MARTIN'S GENERAL USEFULNESS IS OUTWEIGHED BY THE FACT THAT HE IS THE SORT OF PERSON WHO THINKS PETER MIGHT WANT TO USE A _VIDEO CALL_ \- OR WHETHER PETER OUGHT TO THROW IT ALL IN RIGHT NOW AND CHUCK MARTIN IN THE LONELY FOR THE SHEER AUDACITY OF THAT SUGGESTION.]

#### PETER

 **No.**

#### MARTIN

 _(Oops)_ Right.

#### PETER

In fact, I'd best be off. I really ought to go and see to that former colleague of mine who suggested that Zoom might be an 'excellent way to keep in touch'.

#### MARTIN

 _(Panic rising)_ Ah. Maybe you could- Um, that is, there's some Institute business that really needs you to look at it for a bit, now??

#### PETER

 _(Skeptical)_ Is there? This place seems to run itself without me most of the time.

* * *

##### [INT. MAGNUS INSTITUTE. THE SAME WINDOWLESS OFFICE.]

##### [SOUNDS OF MARTIN STARING AT A TECH BUDGET SHEET REQUESTING A FIVE FIGURE INVESTMENT IN NEW SERVERS. HE IS THINKING ABOUT HIS 'B' GRADE IN GCSE MATHS. HE WAS QUITE PROUD OF IT, AT THE TIME. HE DOES NOT FEEL IT QUALIFIES HIM TO APPROVE THE EXPENDITURE FOR AN ENTIRE NON-PROFIT ORGANISATION. HE SIGNS OFF ON SAID BUDGET REGARDLESS. IT'S MONEY GOING FROM ONE EVIL GOD TO ANOTHER, AFTER ALL, SO WHAT DOES IT MATTER.]

##### [STATIC RISES. MARTIN'S CHAIR MAKES A SQUEAKY NOISE AS HE JUMPS AND YELPS AGAIN.]

#### PETER

Martin, is 'Zoom' the same as 'Google'?

##### [SILENCE.]

#### MARTIN

No, Peter, Zoom is not the same as Google.

* * *

##### [INT. MAGNUS INSTITUTE. THE SAME WINDOWLESS OFFICE.]

##### [THE SOUND OF MARTIN SHUFFLING THROUGH PAPERS HURRIEDLY AND CHEWING ON HIS PEN. HE STOPS SHUFFLING TO TAP RAPIDLY ON THE DESK. HE CLEARS HIS THROAT.]

#### MARTIN

We're very sorry for- No, no, don't apologise- Apologising is admitting fault. _(Clears throat again, puts on a deeper voice that just _might_ be trying to imitate the authoritative tones of the Archivist)_ We completely understand your concern, and we have a plan in place to mitigate- _(Breaks off, returns to his normal voice or, if anything, slightly more high-pitched than normal)_ Oh Christ, what if he asks what the plan is?? We don't have a plan! I need a plan! How do I come up with a plan in fifteen minutes????

##### [STATIC RISES. MARTIN IGNORES IT.]

#### PETER

Martin, I need your assistance on a technical matter.

#### MARTIN

 _(Somewhere between panic and irritation)_ What is it, Peter?

#### PETER

One of my... family members requires I email them a photograph from my phone. Is this possible?

##### [SOUNDS OF THE SLAUGHTER ALMOST GAINING ANOTHER AVATAR IN THE FORM OF MARTIN K. BLACKWOOD]

#### MARTIN

 _(Strained)_ Peter, can this maybe wait... an hour? Since I have to go on that phone call. With the Mayor. Of London. That you asked me to take. To discuss with him. The Incident. With that failed artefact retrieval. That collapsed the entrance to Perivale Tube Station.

#### PETER

 _(Reproachful)_ It is quite an important photograph, Martin.

#### MARTIN

Well maybe if you do the call instead of me, since the Mayor did ask to speak to the Head of the Institute? Then I can send your picture?

#### PETER

 _(Overlaps)_ Oh, no, I'm sure you'll do an excellent job! You've got my notes to assist, after all.

#### MARTIN

Yes, um, the one that said 'threaten him with unceasing terror' was particularly helpful. But maybe you can just... give me a few minutes to prep now? I'll pop through to help with your picture when I'm done.

#### PETER

 _(Sighs)_ Very well.

* * *

##### [INT. MAGNUS INSTITUTE. A MUCH LARGER OFFICE. A PICTURE OF A LARGE SHIP ON THE WALL. NO CREW ARE VISIBLE ON ITS DECK, BUT AT THE HELM A TINY BLACK SPECK THAT JUST MIGHT - IF ONE SQUINTS - BE A SHIP'S CAT, CAN BE SEEN. THREE FRAMED DIVORCE CERTIFICATES DECORATE THE OPPOSITE WALL. NO OTHER PERSONAL EFFECTS ARE PRESENT.]

##### [AN OMINOUS MAN WREATHED IN FOG SITS BEHIND THE DESK. HE IS LISTENING TO RADIO FOUR VIA THE BBC WEBSITE, BUT HE IS CLEARLY DEEPLY SUSPICIOUS ABOUT THE WHOLE EXPERIENCE AND IS PINING FOR HIS ANALOGUE RADIO.]

##### [KNOCKING FROM OUTSIDE.]

#### PETER

Come in.

#### MARTIN

 _(Haggard, slightly manic-sounding)_ Hi, Peter! Came to see if I could help with you sending that picture from your phone?

#### PETER

Ah, Martin! How did your telephone call go? _(Does not pause for Martin's answer)_ It turns out, I don't need you at all! I've sent the picture.

#### MARTIN

 _(Faintly)_ Great.

#### PETER

It's actually quite simple, once you know how.

#### MARTIN

 _(Deeply fascinated)_ Mm?

#### PETER

Well firstly I discovered a 'print' button near the image on my phone, so I tried that, and it somehow printed to one of the printers in the Institute. I think they called that 'wire less'? I then had to, unfortunately, enlist the help of the woman on the front desk to scan it and send it to my email account. At that point it was a thing called a 'PDF', when a 'PNG' had specifically been requested, so I performed a search of 'the Internet' for how to convert the former into the latter.

##### [SILENCE]

#### PETER _(CONT'D)_

Maybe you should write this down, Martin, in case you never need to do it yourself.

##### [SILENCE]

#### MARTIN

I... will do that when I get back to my desk.

#### PETER

 _(Approving)_ It's good to work with someone who recognises the importance of learning new skills. _(A beat.)_ How was the Mayor? Do I need to send him into the Forsaken?

##### [SILENCE.]

##### [SOUNDS OF MARTIN APPARENTLY CONSIDERING THIS.]

#### MARTIN

 _(Somewhat reluctantly)_ No. It's all resolved.

#### PETER

Excellent. I told you, this place practically runs itself.

* * *

##### [INT. MAGNUS INSTITUTE. MARTIN'S WINDOWLESS OFFICE.]

##### [THE SOUND OF MARTIN AT WORK, AS HE ALWAYS IS. PAPERS ARE BEING MOVED. MUTTERING CAN BE OVERHEARD.]

##### [STATIC. NOBODY IS SHOCKED ANY MORE.]

#### PETER

Martin, are you busy?

#### MARTIN

Oh, only a little bit. Just trying to research the possible birth of a new fear and end of human existence, you know. Nothing that can't be put off.

#### PETER

Excellent.

##### [A SOFT CLATTER AS PLASTIC DROPS A SHORT HEIGHT]

#### PETER

I am expecting an important phone call at any moment, but I need to visit the head. If my phone rings, please answer and explain I shall return shortly.

#### MARTIN

... Right.

##### [STATIC RISES. PETER VANISHES.]

##### [SOUNDS OF MARTIN GOOGLING 'NAUTICAL SLANG "THE HEAD"'.]

##### [SOUNDS OF MARTIN SOFTLY BASHING HIS HEAD AGAINST HIS DESK AND REGRETTING ALL OF HIS LIFE CHOICES.]

* * *

##### [INT. MAGNUS INSTITUTE. MARTIN'S WINDOWLESS OFFICE.]

##### [SOUNDS OF MARTIN STARING AT HIS COMPUTER SCREEN, TYPING NOTHING, TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO WRITE IN A CONDOLENCE LETTER TO THE WIFE OF AN INSTITUTE EMPLOYEE WHO PASSED AWAY IN THE LINE OF DUTY. HE IS WONDERING WHETHER THE FACT THAT HE WANTS TO CALL ELIAS IN JAIL TO ASK IF HE HAS A TEMPLATE FOR THIS SORT OF THING IS A BAD SIGN FOR HIS (MARTIN'S) MORAL COMPASS.]

##### [STATIC RISES.]

#### PETER

Martin, is 'Zoom' owned by 'Google'?

##### [SILENCE]

#### MARTIN

No, Peter, Zoom is a separate company.

* * *

##### [INT. MAGNUS INSTITUTE. MARTIN'S WINDOWLESS OFFICE.]

##### [SOUNDS OF MARTIN SQUINTING ANGRILY AT A FORTY PAGE CONTRACT FROM 1894 REGARDING WATER SUPPLY TO AND DRAINAGE FROM THE INSTITUTE BUILDING AS HE PREPARES HIMSELF FOR AN ARGUMENT WITH THE WATER COMPANY THAT HE STRONGLY FEELS REALLY OUGHT TO BE CONDUCTED BY THE HEAD OF THE MAGNUS INSTITUTE]

##### [STATIC RISES, AGAIN.]

#### PETER

Ah, Martin, another question for your 'Millennial' expertise I'm afraid.

#### MARTIN

 _(No hint of impatience at all, why would there be?)_ Yes, Peter?

#### PETER

An... acquaintance has sent me a, I believe you call it, 'Powerpoint presentation' regarding the importance of independent learning. I believe this would be very useful to share with employees of the Institute. However, every single slide has his company's logo on it, which I would like removed, and replaced with the Institute's crest.

#### MARTIN

Does your... acquaintance know you're doing this?

#### PETER

 _(Not even the tiniest hint of menace here)_ My acquaintance has other things occupying his time at the moment, Martin.

#### MARTIN

... Great.

#### PETER

Shall we?

#### MARTIN

Yep. Sure. Happy to help. You know me.

##### [Sounds of two sets of receding footsteps.]

##### [Sounds of Martin, whose primary work experience is with paper files and magnetic tapes, discreetly googling 'How to change powerpoint slide templates' on his phone as he walks.]

* * *

##### [INT. MAGNUS INSTITUTE. MARTIN'S WINDOWLESS OFFICE.]

##### [SOUNDS OF MARTIN FILLING IN ANNUAL REVIEW DOCUMENTS FOR ALL THE PEOPLE PETER MANAGES EXCEPT JON, WHO PETER SAID HE'D DEAL WITH HIMSELF, BECAUSE APPARENTLY EVEN INDIRECT EMAIL COMMUNICATION THAT JON WOULDN'T KNOW CAME FROM MARTIN IS OFF LIMITS THESE DAYS. NOT THAT MARTIN IS BITTER ABOUT IT, NOT AT ALL. IT JUST SEEMS A BIT POINTLESS, PETER, IS ALL HE'S THINKING. IF HE HAS TO DO EVERYONE ELSE'S, WHY CAN'T HE AT LEAST WRITE A BITCHY REVIEW ABOUT JON'S PERFORMANCE TO MAKE UP FOR ALL OF THE ONES JON GAVE HIM, COMPLETE WITH A CODED MESSAGE OF ADORATION-]

##### [- THAT'S PROBABLY WHY NOT, ISN'T IT?]

##### [STATIC RISES, AS ALWAYS]

#### MARTIN

 _(Tired)_ Hello, Peter.

#### PETER

Hello, Martin! I'm having a bit of a conundrum.

#### MARTIN

 _(Even more tired)_ How can I help?

#### PETER

Well you see, I ordered a new pair of durable boots 'on the line', as they call it-

#### MARTIN

 _(Overlaps)_ I don't... think that they do...

#### PETER

\- And you see, I got a particularly good deal. Only today my package arrived, and instead of boots, it was a cheap pair of fake sunglasses. And when I went back to the website to complain, it had disappeared.

#### MARTIN

 _(Takes a moment to centre himself, as this is clearly going to be a long one)_ Right. OK. What website did you use?

#### PETER

Well I don't remember. I found it by searching for boots and looking for the best prices.

#### MARTIN

 _(???)_ Don't you have... a mansion? And a boat? And a _space station_? Not to, um, tell you where to buy your clothes, Peter, but maybe try, um, a website you've heard of, next time, if it's over the sake of saving a few quid!

#### PETER

The Lukas family had a _partial_ stake in that space station, Martin. It wasn't a personal project. Besides- _(paternal)_ you can hardly hope to gain and retain wealth if you spend it all on frivolous purchases like expensive shoes. A piece of advice from me to you, Martin: if you don't cut down on your non-essentials like all those fancy toasts and things, and save your money, you'll never hope to get on the property ladder, let alone be able to invest in a space venture.

##### [SILENCE WHILE MARTIN CONTEMPLATES MURDER]

#### MARTIN

Right. Yes. Thank you, Peter. I will. Cut down. On the. Brunches, then. I'm sure that will. Help.

#### PETER

Excellent. I'm always so impressed with how willing you are to listen to the wisdom of your elders. Anyway, to return to my boots that were not in fact boots...?

#### MARTIN

 _(A deep breath, a brief moment of serenity)_ It sounds like a fake website, harvesting your credit card details. You'd better get onto the bank to reverse the charge, and cancel your credit card.

##### [SILENCE WHILE PETER CONTEMPLATES THE SHEER NUMBER OF PHONE CALLS AND CONVERSATIONS WITH PEOPLE THAT WILL ENTAIL]

#### PETER

Perhaps that's something you could assist with?

##### [SILENCE WHILE A WHOLE _WORLD_ OF POSSIBILITIES BEGINS TO OPEN UP BEFORE MARTIN'S EYES]

#### MARTIN

 _(Suppressing a smile)_ Of course Peter, I'd be happy to, but you're going to need to give me your bank details, your credit card information, your passwords, and... your mother's maiden name.

* * *

##### [INT. MAGNUS INSTITUTE. MARTIN'S WINDOWLESS OFFICE.]

##### [SOUNDS OF MARTIN RUBBING HIS TEMPLES AS HE ATTEMPTS TO RESOLVE AN EMPLOYEE DISPUTE THAT LED TO A SWORD FIGHT IN THE CAR PARK BETWEEN THE HEAD OF PAYROLL AND THE HEAD OF INTAKE. HR HAS RECOMMENDED TERMINATION BUT MARTIN FEELS LIKE FIRING THEM AT THIS POINT WOULD BE A REWARD. HE DOESN'T SEE WHY ANYONE SHOULD GET TO LEAVE THIS PLACE IF HE CAN'T.]

##### [STATIC. AGAIN.]

#### PETER

Martin, what's 'Teams'?

#### MARTIN

... You wouldn't like it.

#### PETER

Is it the same thing as 'Zoom'?

#### MARTIN

 _(Headache intensifies)_ No...? Sort of... bits of it?? It's another way to talk to people.

#### PETER

Honestly, sometimes I think the Internet is just designed to be a communication device!

#### MARTIN

It... is?

##### [SILENCE AS PETER STARES AT MARTIN'S COMPUTER. THE DISGUST IS PALPABLE.]

#### PETER

I have had some thoughts about my next ritual.

#### MARTIN

Right. Great. Sounds fun. I'll be dead by the time that comes around, right? So I'll just leave you to it.

* * *

##### [INT. MAGNUS INSTITUTE. MARTIN'S WINDOWLESS OFFICE.]

##### [SOUNDS OF MARTIN PORING OVER THE ANNUAL INSTITUTE SALARY REVIEW, WHICH INCLUDES RECOMMENDATIONS FROM MANAGERS, OPPOSING RECOMMENDATIONS FROM FINANCE, AND A NOTE FROM HR THAT THE HEAD OF THE MAGNUS INSTITUTE ALWAYS PROVIDES A FINAL RECOMMENDATION. IF MARTIN SPENDS TEN MINUTES STARING AT THE EMAIL FROM JON TO HR REGARDING THE ARCHIVES TEAM, THAT IS NO ONE'S BUSINESS BUT HIS OWN.]

##### [A VERY FAMILIAR STATIC RISES.]

#### PETER

Martin, I've another technical question.

#### MARTIN

 _(You don't say?)_ Yes, Peter?

#### PETER

I've received a notification on my personal computer that my antivirus subscription will be expiring in a month, and I was thinking, do I really need to renew it? It is, after all, an expenditure I could do without.

#### MARTIN

Yeah, those, um, space stations don't come cheap, after all.

#### PETER

Exactly! Perhaps you can research if it's necessary?

#### MARTIN

 _(Definitely not being sarcastic, not at all)_ You know, Peter, I think you can probably do without. Antivirus is just a scam, really, trying to get people who don't know any better. Besides, you're pretty good at tech stuff these days, you know.

#### PETER

I suppose I am, aren't I. Oh, that is good to know, Martin. _(A beat)_ How's the Institute going? Still running itself?

#### MARTIN

 _(There are no gritted teeth here either)_ Oh. Yeah. Hardly needs any work at all, this place.

#### PETER

Wonderful. Well, we're getting closer to it all coming together, so I'll be seeing you soon.

##### [STATIC RISES, PETER LEAVES.]

##### [SOUNDS OF MARTIN DECIDING 'SOD IT' AND SIGNING OFF A 10% PAY INCREASE FOR EVERYONE, EXCEPT THE ARCHIVES, WHO GET 20%.]

  


* * *

  


**Author's Note:**

> Did Zoom and Teams exist in 2018? DISCOVERING THIS INFORMATION WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE. However, this fic is based on a series of interactions with my father during 2020 lockdown. All of the questions asked are real questions I had to answer. My answers varied from Martin's because I am not yet plotting my father's downfall.
> 
> Anyway if you successfully managed to make any of the sound effects from the above please get in touch with Rusty Quill and volunteer your services. I hear they are struggling to make kissing noises not sound gross. IF YOU CAN DO THE ABOVE, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING.  
> 
> 
> Comments/kudos/any appreciation is adored! <3 
> 
> If you liked this, check out [the rest of the series](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1807057) or my [my other TMA fics](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinyopals/works?fandom_id=11812534)! 
> 
> And please come [say hello on tumblr](https://shinyopals.tumblr.com)!


End file.
